Feel free to reply to my post if you can relate to any of these thoughts when you are tempted to act out.
• I can’t handle my shame and guilt. (So I’ll add shame and guilt by relapsing.)
That is a true statement. I am powerless over the guilt and the shame I feel sometimes and my life is unmanageable when I choose to act out. However, when I surrender my entire life and will to God’s care, I am always assured by the power of the Holy Ghost that I am enough and God never lies. His almighty grace lifts me above the negative guilt and shame that I feel. Many times it is replaced with a tangible reassurance that everything is ok in this present moment and because God is in control, all things will work for my good because God knows I love Him and sincerely wish to serve Him. That sacred reassurance also comes because I know God loves me and wants me to be happy.• I can’t handle the emotional pain. (So I’ll make it worse.)
That also is a true statement. I’ve been astounded many times by my sensitivity to emotional pain. I feel it very intensely. Like a combination of blinding smoke and tear gas, emotional pain clouds everything. I immediately seize and quickly lose my bearing. While guilt and shame seem to appear clearly through my lens like an eyesore, emotional pain leaves me completely blind and groping. 
Acting out and relapsing only exacerbates the trauma. Nevertheless, although I know I am powerless, I am not hopeless. My Heavenly Father can feel and understand my pain and He knows exactly how to rescue me out of the intense malaise of fear and confusion that at times overwhelms me. He is there and he is aware and when I choose to cry to Him he answers my cry every time. All he requires of me is my cry and my willingness. Forgive me for going off on a tangent, but three scriptures immediately come to mind as I write.
1. Joseph Smith History 1:15-17: “…Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed for a time as if I were doomed…But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to sudden destruction…just at this moment of great alarm..I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound.”
2. Alma 7:11-13: “And He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.”
3. Helaman 5:28-30,45-47: “And it came to pass that they were overshadowed with a cloud of darkness, and an awful fear came upon them. And it came to pass that there came a voice as if it were above the cloud of darkness…And it came to pass that when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not the voice of thunder, neither was it the voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold , it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul…And behold, Holy Spirit of God did come down from heaven, and did enter into their hearts, and they were filled as if with fire…and it came to pass that there came a voice unto them, yea, a pleasant voice, as if it were a whisper, saying: ‘Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world.’”
• I’m just a defective person. (I’ll never get it together for recovery, why try?)
The truth is that I’m not a defective person. I am a son of God. I think that Satan uses the heavy artillery in his arsenal to distract me from anchoring on that fact.
The devil would have me forfeit my sobriety and quit my recovery in misery. God would have me overcome with faith and trust in his power to deliver me. I am a son of God, born of Heavenly Parents. No deception or assault from the adversary can change that fact. I am not defective. Even on my most difficult days, the fact remains that my Father in Heaven is watching over me, and I surrender myself to His love and care. I am right where He wants me to be, doing exactly what He wants me to do. I am exercising my agency and that power is no defect. It is a conscious righteous exercise of divine power, not a blind compulsion. Satan constantly tries to distract me from remembering those facts and feeling the conviction of that truth on a cellular level. However, I realize that in spite of his unrelenting barrage of doubt, depression, self pity and fear, at the end of the day, I am the one who chooses or refuses to exercise my faith in my divine birthright and in the Savior’s power to rescue me from Satan’s onslaught. The power God endows me with to fight the powers of darkness is the power of choice!
What rebuttal of convictions do you tell your addict when he/she becomes to chatty and you are tempted to forfeit your sobriety? Don't be shy, please feel free to share. Part III will be posted soon!God bless you, and may you feel the strength of his grace enabling you in your life and recovery! Go forward in faith! God is in charge!
1 comment:
I love that you can recognize those lies. I think they get ingrained in our minds and we start to think they are true and a part of us! But they are lies! Go forward!
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