Relapse - A Gift to Deepen My Surrender to God

9 Days Clean and Sober.

I had a lust filled relapse almost two weeks ago. I'm taking the opportunity to deepen my recovery and turn my life more fully over to God. 

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I wrestle with mental illness (severe depression, general anxiety, social anxiety), and multiple addictions (lust, sexual anorexia, emotional eating, codependency).

Fighting the admission of this reality and the way it has been affecting my relationships with my family has been especially difficult recently.

There have been several times over the past month or so I have considered committing suicide, and had formulated some preliminary plans to do so. 

I think that perhaps my relapse may have saved my life.

I have come to realize that as good as it may be to surrender one addiction or infirmity, my Heavenly Father, my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost don't want just a part of me, they want all of me; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

They don't mind that I have multiple addictions.  They don't mind that I suffer from mental illness, guilt, doubt, shame and fear. They knew even before my birth that these challenges would all be part of my personal plan. 

What they did care about was how I responded with the infirmities they blessed me with. That I use my infirmities as tools to draw me closer to them, and not allow Satan you use them as weapon against me to destroy me or tempt me to destroy myself.

Satan greatest desire is to destroy me out of enmity and desperation. The Godhead's greater desire is to save me because of the purifying, cleansing, unconditional love they genuinely feel for me.

I believe I have a beautiful and sacred opportunity to openly admit my powerlessness and deepen my surrender to the Godhead so I can humble myself before them and get to know them better. For me, I think this is true. I can feel the power of God's grace testifying to my soul of this truth even as I am writing these words. Faith as a living fire, I feel the fire burning in my soul right now.

Thank you for your prayers and support. I have felt and continue to feel of their strength. I think that was an additional part of the plan in this season of my life I am passing through.

If you doubt whether your prayers for someone else have made a difference, please don't. They have protected me from myself and the adversary. Thank you for saving my life through the power of your faith and prayers.

Lastly, I found a quote by Elder Neal A Maxwell that has helped me gain some perspective. I pass it along in the hope it might help someone else in need.

"One day we will understand fully how complete our commitment was in our first estate in accepting the very conditions of challenge in our second estate about which we sometimes complain in this school of stress. Our collective and personal premortal promises will then be laid clearly before us.

Further, when we are finally judged in terms of our performance in this second estate, we will see that God, indeed, is perfect in his justice and mercy. We will also see that when we fail here it will not have been because we were truly tempted above that which we were able to bear. There was always an escape hatch had we looked for it! We will also see that our lives have been fully and fairly measured.

In retrospect, we will even see that our most trying years here will often have been our best years, producing large tree rings on our soul, Gethsemanes of growth! Mortality is moistened by much opportunity if our roots of resolve can but take it in."

Thanks again for your prayers and support. 

Go forward in faith. God is in charge!