557 Days Clean and Sober.
My prison cells have shifted. I can’t live in a protective "bubble" of multiple addictions anymore. A bubble is a bubble is a bubble is a bubble. A prison is a prison is a prison is a prison.
What am I so convinced I must be protected from? Who or what am I scared of?
Myself. I am scared of myself. I am scared that without the protection of “my bubble,” I will go crazy. I will kill myself. I’ve become the prisoner, the jailer, and the warden in a prison I’ve constructed through my own agency.
I don’t know if that is true or if that is a lie, but I am convinced that if I venture outside of “my bubble,” I will feel unbearable pain. I don’t know if I will survive it. I don’t know what will happen if I expose myself to myself. I’m afraid of the outcome because I want to live. I do not want to die. I feel somewhat like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde character. I don’t want to lose control, but I don’t know how to surrender my “Mr. Hyde” peacefully and then leave myself alone.
But what are the cells I’ve built within my prison? Who suffers because of them? How do I hurt myself because of them?
Why won’t I challenge my own thoughts? Why won’t I trust others when they tell me that they are not out to hurt me? Why won’t I trust God to protect me and care for me? Why don’t I believe “bone deep” that God can truly heal me? I have a strong testimony. Why don’t I trust my family? My wife, my children? I love them more than anything! Why am I so averse to pain? Why am I so averse to joy? Why do I insist on living a lie, trapped half way in willingness but not completely committed? I am enduring. Existing, but I am not living.
I am a prisoner of my own will. Fear is my warden; denial and mistrust are my jailers. I cannot love or receive love in my protective bubbles. If anything is to save me from myself, it must be love.
I must believe that I am worth fighting for. Why is that such a comforting, beautiful thought and such an equally terrifying thought at the same time? Why am I so terrified? What am I terrified of? What will happen if my terrors are realized? What will happen if I discover that they are only illusions? How do I save myself and my family from myself and free myself from my prison cells and live?
I know I cannot give up. But I know I’ve lost my bearing. I am blindly groping for honesty and peace.
Dear God,
Please find me and save me. Talk to me naturally in ways I can understand. Teach me what Thou would have me do in this moment and give me the power to do it. I am helpless! I am powerless! I need Thee to rescue me and save my family. Please be merciful. Please free us from my prison and rescue us!
I will go forward with faith, relying on the merits of Him who is mighty to save. God is in charge. He must be in charge. I am powerless and can do nothing without His omnipotent grace.
Please remember me in your prayers, my friends. I need them.
1 comment:
I feel similar to you a lot, although I couldn't tell exactly what you were going through based on your post.
I so often feel like a prisoner to my mind. I continually obsess over things I intellectually know will bring sadness, don't matter, are unacceptable, etc.
Hang in there, John. Things'll get better for you and me in time... but it's going to take years of effort. Let's take it a step at a time.
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