Where Can I Turn for Peace?

514 Days Clean & Sober.

Ok. The truth is that I have really been struggling and yesterday was extremely difficult.  I had a sick, empty feeling in my stomach.

Overtime, I’ve come to identify it as my feeling of abandonment.

It is such a sick, uncomfortable, unsettling feeling for me. I hate it, and I hate having to sit with it instead of escaping from it. With that said, I’m leaning into the pain and writing instead of running.

The question that drives me crazy when I feel this way is, "Where in the he** does it comes from?"

I haven’t been able to pin point the source. Why does that feeling hit me like a truck sometimes? What is the source of that awful feeling? What exactly triggers it? Why can’t I figure it out?

It really gets to me. I hate this feeling that empty. Last night it became so bad that I sent out the following text to my support group.

"Thinking I'm not doing well. Terrible abandonment and anxiety all day today. Very very bad. Not thinking clearly.

I don't want to act out. I want to run away from my life.

In a bad place mentally and emotionally. Stuck in quicksand of anxiety, shame and guilt. Wondering if I might have borderline personality disorder?

Hating myself that my family has to live with me when I am this way.
Not suicidal. That's never the answer to anything, but really wanting to run away from reality and stop suffering.
Trying to believe I do some good.

Unsure of everything at the moment. My marriage, my influence on my kids, the emotional distance I maintain from my extended family. My job. Stuck in the quicksand and very afraid is the best description of how I feel right now.

I wish I could find a meeting somewhere. I promise I won't do anything stupid to myself.  However, I need some reassurance that at my core I am good man and am worth something. So sorry to dump on you. Feeling so ashamed and guilty."

I am feeling better this morning writing and working through the pain. That being said, I'm moving on.

I love reading and writing in the LDS ARP Guide!

Part of Step 7 of the LDS ARP Guide reads:

“We who have embraced these principles must warn you that you cannot expect to take (these) step(s) without sacrifice—and rightly so. In Doctrine and Covenants 59:8, the Lord commands, “Thou shalt offer a sacrifice unto the Lord thy God in righteousness, even that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.”

This offering is the essence of (recovery). Even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a humble reminder of His ‘great and last sacrifice’ on your behalf (Alma 34:14).” (page 41)

Were the feelings I felt last night perhaps a small part of me feeling "the pains of my own rebirth?"  If so, I am grateful and comforted in understanding to some degree that the pain, confusion and anxiety I felt was nothing more than an uncomfortable itch compared to the “great and last sacrifice” Jesus Christ made for me.

I received a text from a friend earlier today who mentioned that he had also had a difficult night last night.

My friend wrote, “I don’t know how to let go. I’m confusing surrender with apathy and withdrawing….How do I surrender without withdrawing? Is that even possible?”

I am learning that the answer is, “Yes.”

Surrendering, in my mind, is first making the decision to give God complete control of my life and will through sincere fasting and prayer, and then going to work to try to do what the Holy Ghost prompts me to do whether I want to or not; whether it makes sense or not.

Many times it requires additional, deeper surrender on my part.

For me, "surrendering" is exercising an unconditional trust that God is in control, and He has my best interests and the best interest of my loved ones at heart. He wants what’s best for the both of us, and although, at times, “the best,” may be different for the both of us, Heavenly Father has the wisdom, insight, love and power to make, “the best,” a reality in everyone’s life.

Ironically, I’m still learning that I can't be directed and "know" what God’s will is for me if I’m holding tenaciously on to an active resentment. I have to surrender to Him that resentment willingly and completely and then, as humbly as I can, ask Him, "Lord, what would Thou have me to do?" (Acts 9:6)

I am learning that if I’m completely honest and sincerely humble with God, He will tell me through the Holy Ghost what He would have me do, just for today. If I don't willingly surrender my resentments, I’m usually left wondering what to do and I feel frustrated.

I try hard not to ignore the small thoughts or the seemingly small ideas of service that come to my mind after I've started my day surrendering to my Higher Power. I’m learning that if I feel a prompting to do something, I shouldn't waste God's time questioning it or debating myself about why I shouldn’t do it.  I try to follow the Spirit to do whatever I am prompted to do as quickly as I can. I'm barely just beginning to learn to trust God's promptings, but I am practicing and learning that when I take the action first, the Spirit's assurance and direction usually follows. I’m also learning that to the Lord, time is of the essence. I am trying to “go and do” it even if it doesn't make sense to me at the time or I don't want to do it.

I hope that if my surrender is heartfelt and sincere, in due time God will allow me permission to recognize His hand in what I am doing and I will grow to know what I’ve done is right trusting His promises that He will help me understand when His time is right.

Part of Step 3 in the LDS ARP Guide reads:  

“At first our efforts were anxious and halting. We kept giving the Lord our trust and then taking it back. We worried that He would be displeased at our inconsistency and withdraw His support and love from us. But He didn’t.

Gradually we allowed the Lord to demonstrate His healing power and the safety of following His way. Eventually each of us realized that we not only had to give up our addictions, but we also had to turn our entire will and life over to God. As we did so, we found Him patient and accepting of our faltering efforts to surrender to Him in all things.” (pages 13-14)

I am grateful for my Savior’s grace and His tender mercies. I know they are real because there have been times when I have been enabled to recognize them working in my life; even through some of the most difficult, challenging, trying times.

I know and bear witness that the words of Christ are true.

"Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing." (John 20:27)

“For with God, nothing shall be impossible.” (Luke 1:37)

Please join me on my journey as I work to surrender my life and will to the care of God, the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

I will go forward in faith. God is in charge.