Reaching Out For Support (Especially When I Don’t Want To)

531 Days Clean and Sober.

The past few days have been mentally and emotionally challenging for me. The reasons are not important to discuss in this forum. However, these recent challenges have made me a little more reluctant to reach out to others for support as I normally have in the past.

By degrees I have learned that when I get stuck in my recovery and I don’t know what to do or what say to move forward, I must “lead with my weakness,” keep doing my dailies, and rely on the Lord’s tender mercies.

Page 187 of the SA White Book explains what it means to, “Lead with our weakness”:

“There is an attractive healing atmosphere in meetings when someone is transparent, naive, “innocent,” and self revealing to depth. He or she may even be a newcomer, which is often the case and why we need them to help keep us honest. Vulnerable and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be. We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union. Once this single ray of light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present. Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.”

Leading with my weakness allows me to go back to the foundation on which my recovery has been built on a daily basis. To me, that means working steps 1, 2, and 3, trusting in the Lord’s tender mercies, and doing the things that I know that will strengthen my recovery even when I don’t want to do them. Although I have shared them before, it never hurts to share them again. This is how I try to work Steps 1, 2, and 3 daily and lead with my weakness when I don’t know what to do or say:

I surrender my life and my will to the care of God, the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, in prayer.

I read at the scriptures.

I put pencil to paper and do step work.

I go to meetings and share about where my head and heart is at.

I reach out to other addicts via text, e-mail or phone.

For me, it is essential to my recovery and sobriety to do these dailies every single day no matter what. No matter wherever I may be, whatever may be happening, in spite of why I might be upset, or how I may be thinking or feeling. Without making a sincere effort to do my part every day, how can I expect the God of my understanding to do His? I can’t.

So, I guess the answer to that question begs me to ask this next question. What is a “sincere effort?” How do I know that I’m leading with my weakness when I’m working my recovery?

Those questions turned me to the scriptures to search for an answer. After some study and reflection, the following 4 scriptures and the testimony Elder David A. Bednar of the Council of the Twelve Apostles gave in the April 2005 October General Conference, have left the boldest impressions on my mind.

First Scripture:

Alma 32:26-27

“Now, as I said concerning faith – that it is not a perfect knowledge-even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.
But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.”

When I was a little boy, I remember being in our living room one sunny morning. I tried to catch very tiny particles of dust that were floating in the air. I could see them sparkling like little flecks in the sun light that poured through our living room window. Without the reflection of the sunlight bouncing off these little specks of dust I would have never even known they were there. They were so tiny they would have been imperceptible to me. That memory lead me to realize that when all I can give to my recovery is an almost imperceptible effort to turn toward the light, God will meet me where I am at and will fill me with His grace to maintain my sobriety and strengthen my recovery.

That sounds like pretty thought, but it's really true! Think about it!

On the days I can only repeat the Serenity Prayer to surrender.

On the days all I can do is read a single verse, or a single sentence, or even just open a book of scripture.
On the days when step work seems impossible and all I can do is write the words, “I am powerless.”
On the days I don’t want to go to a meeting and share, or call or text another addict, Through the power of the Savior's grace I can still get in the car anyway and go to the meeting. Or, I send the SOS text anyway to reach out for support.
On those kinds of days I know that when we make an effort, no matter how small, we are enabled to find His power, peace, and comfort as He fills us with His light.

Much of the time, my family, friends or fellow addicts might not even know that I’m suffering or struggling with my addiction on that day. But my Father in Heaven knows, and showing my willingness to surrender to His will and “do it anyway” allows the Savior to extend his tender mercies to me, and exercise His power on my behalf to deliver me from the bondage of addiction for that day.

Next Scripture:

Moroni 10:4-5

“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost, ye may know the truth of all things.”

As a youth I had the opportunity to travel to Kirtland, Ohio for a youth conference to see the Kirtland Temple and the places where the prophet Joseph Smith had lived and worked.

I remember that the first night we were there, just before we turned in for the night, our bishop called all of the youth in our ward together and taught us a principle that, since then, has acted as an anchor for me throughout my life.

Our bishop taught us that Moroni’s promise in the Book of Mormon didn’t only apply to discovering whether the Book of Mormon was true. He explained that promise applied to every principle of the gospel! In other words, I learned that if I wanted to know if something was really true or not, or if God could really do something that I thought or felt was completely impossible, I could apply the principles taught in Moroni 10:3-5 and I could discover the truth for myself! Our bishop promised us that if we asked God sincerely, with real intent, having faith in Christ, we could receive a witness through the Sprirt that Joseph Smith really was a prophet of God and that the restoration of the Gospel really occurred and was true. Not only that, but we could know the truth about anything we had question about by exercising our faith and applying the instruction found in Moroni’s promise.

Applying that principle of truth during youth conference considerably strengthened my testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and his mission to restore the Savior’s church upon the earth. Since then, I have had the opportunity to use Moroni’s challenge and receive answers to prayer in a variety of situations. I have learned to make it a part of my daily morning prayers and apply it as I work the 12 Steps of recovery. Of all of the tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with in my life, this surely must be one of the most powerful and valuable I’ve ever been given.

Another memory came to mind when I read this next scripture.

Doctrine & Covenants 64:33-34

“Wherefore, be not weary in well doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.
Behold the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind…”

Many years ago, I had an idea to post a scripture verse on my fridge to remind me that God had a plan for me and that by doing small and simple things, great things could happen in my life. At the time, I decided that I would use Alma 37:7 as my mantra for the New Year.

“And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.”

This scripture reminded me that that even on days when I am tempted to discount my personal efforts to live in recovery because they "don't seem to go according to plan", I'll be blessed for ANY sincere efforts I make to surrender my will to God and rely upon His care.

I know that by small and simple means we can enabled to receive the Holy Ghost’s assurance that our Father in Heaven is mindful of us and our challenges.

The last thought that made a bold impression on my mind was the testimony Elder David A Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave in the April 2005 General Conference regarding the tender mercies of the Lord.

“I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them.

Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord.

We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20).
Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days.”

Over the past several days, I have had to work to apply the teachings these memories and scriptures have brought to mind. Writing this post has strengthened me and my resolve to turn continually to the Lord, and submit to His guidance and direction to work my recovery the way He desires instead of trying to do things “my way”. I am learning that in each and every situation my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He knows the way. He knows where we are, where we are going, and He knows how to get to where we want to be. My job is to lead with my weakness, stick to my dailies no matter what, and rely on his tender mercies to deliver me from thoughts, feelings, or choices that lead me away from His care, back into the bondage of my addictions.

I am happy to report that by relying on the Lord’s tender mercies each day this past week, I was enabled to maintain my sobriety and strengthen my recovery. Although there were times I didn’t want to work my program, I surrendered my life and will to God’s care for the day. I read the scriptures. I did step work. I went to meetings and shared where my heart and mind were at, and I reached out to other addicts for support through texts, e-mails and phone calls.

The small efforts I made, however insignificant they may have been in my mind, allowed me to feel God’s love and grace, and His love and grace strengthened and sustained me. I testify that His tender mercies enabled me to maintain my sobriety, and strengthen my recovery during an incredibly challenging week.

May He bless your efforts too.

Go forward in faith! God is in charge!