Has My Disease Been Active Recently? In What Way?

576 Days Sober and Still Recovering.

Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

Yes. My disease has been extremely active recently. The following are the ways that I've been acting out:

1. I've discovered that in addition to being a sober, recovering sexaholic,  I'm severely addicted to sexual/intimacy anorexia too.

The SA white book would label me a love cripple, and honestly, there really is no better description. My compulsion to withdraw from my wife spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically have an irresistible magnetic force. True union with her or anyone is impossible because I'm addicted to the unreal. I am afraid of being intimately connected to people. I'm afraid of people seeing me as a broken love cripple and will reject me and abandon me.

For some reason, this terrifies me like nothing else. The fear I feel when I am triggered to withdraw is akin to drowning, suffocating, or falling (some of my worst fears of dying).

My addiction compels me to believe that I am safer making no connection with anyone at all rather than attempting to make an authentic connection and risk the possibility of dying from extreme disappointment, crushing heartache, or utter abandonment.

The anorexia employs every stratagem and capability in its arsenal to convince me that I am better off withdrawing, retreating, and isolating myself from any potential embarrassment, misunderstanding, disappointment, or heartbreak.

Intimacy Anorexia is real and palpable. It makes me feel like the victim, the accused, the judge, and the jury all at once without any hope of freedom. It is the most cunning, baffling, and powerful of all the forms of addiction that I've ever experienced.

Under the influence of intimacy anorexia I am resentful, hateful, rude, condescending, impatient, vengeful, intolerant, childish, arrogant, mentally and emotionally abusive, self deprived, self abused, self righteous, and self centered.

My disease convinces me that I must be in control, but that is exactly when I'm altogether disconnected from the present and I'm severely spiraling out of control.

 2. I'm also addicted to emotional eating. Since my emotions so are so variable, I am constantly craving sugar and unhealthy foods all of the time. My favorite drugs of choice are Mexican and Italian foods, and Chinese take out.

Whenever I'm upset or even unsettled, I retreat to the TV and eat. Retreat and eat. Retreat and eat.

When I'm consciously isolating myself to escape intimacy with my wife and children. I retreat and eat.

I repeatedly steal money from my spouse's purse anticipating the stress of the work day so I have the means to retreat and eat. 

Whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed or suffocated I retreat and eat.

Even if I accomplish something or do something good, an overwhelming feeling of entitlement hits me like a freight train and again and again I retreat and eat. Retreat and eat. 

Multiple times each week I purposely don't take my insulin shots so I can retreat, eat, and then crash into a food coma for 3 or 4 hours. I feel sick and buzzed after waking, but normally I don't care because I've gotten my way. I got what I wanted when I wanted it no matter what harm it caused me or my family.

Eat and retreat is an almost  irresistible combination of acting out.

These are the ways my addiction is currently manifesting itself in my life.

She is a maternal chameleon. She is blood thirsty and she will go to any lengths to kill me mentally, emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually under her guise of, "protecting her baby and keeping him safe."