What I Learned From Philip Seymour Hoffman

447 Hours sober.

Dear friend,

This past weekend, I was reminded of why sobriety must come before anything else in my life, even before my family.

I loved watching Philip Seymour Hoffman act in the movies. He was a brilliant actor and I really admired his work.

Recently, I heard in the news that before he relapsed in 2012, he had been sober from alcohol and drugs 23 years. Sober for 23 years!!!! What a heartbreaking tragedy it is that in the end, his heroin addiction killed him.

Although my drug of choice is different than his was (mine is an addiction to lust), Hoffman’s death starkly reminded me that it is no less lethal than any other addiction. In fact, some researchers believe that the effect of pornography addiction on the brain is 5 times more powerful than heroin. If I’m living in my addiction, the consequences of acting out will inevitably turn deadly.

I don’t know all of the reasons why Mr. Hoffman’s tragic death struck a particular chord with me. But I do know the way he died and the reason he died slapped me in the face and woke me up and as a result I was finally able to define my own bottom line for sobriety.

My bottom line is this: Without sobriety as the highest priority in my life, chances are 100% that sooner or later my addiction will literally kill me. Even placing my relationship with my family above sobriety in my life could potentially lead me back to living in active addiction and kill me. I cannot risk taking or doing anything that will rob me or my loved ones of my life. I cannot play carelessly with my life and I cannot play carelessly with my sobriety. If I do, I’m dead. It’s as simple as that.

Hoffman's death was also a powerful reminder of the fact that no matter how much “sobriety time” I ever get, I will always, always, always remain just as allergic and addicted to lust today as I was on the day I last acted out. There is absolutely no exception to that rule!

For me, the only difference between living in addiction and living in recovery lies in my God given right to choose which life to live. Heavenly Father has given me my agency of to either claim chaos and death through my own foolish bull-headed pride, or to claim peace and sobriety through the enabling power of Christ’s atonement.

If I blindly choose to numb myself to my inner pain by acting out, I'm playing Russian roulette with my life, and everything I hold dear. If I consciously choose sobriety each hour, God will empower me to arrest my addiction and remain sober. The outcome of either decision is inevitable; it is only a matter of time.

A few nights ago, I really wanted to act out and at the time, I didn’t even really know why. I was craving to look at images and feel that moment of pleasure. Because I was thinking irrationally I didn't reach out to anyone. "I don't need to reach out to anyone,” I told myself. “I can tolerate this itch. It's not that bad." How stupid! How quickly I was blinded by my own pride!!! 

Thankfully, I thought again of the sad demise of Philip Seymour Hoffman. I stopped in my tracks, and turned off the TV in the downstairs den. I went up stairs and turned on the light in the living room. At that moment I remembered the acronym “H.A.L.T.,” and after a minute or two of introspection, to my surprise I realized that I was feeling every letter in that acronym! I felt Hungry. I felt Angry. I felt Lonely, and I felt very, very Tired! I went to bed thanking the God of my understanding for bringing that acronym to my mind and blessing me with the grace to avoid what could have been a huge disaster.

Here’s an interesting thought. Right now I’ve just realized that I have never once acted out when I have been of a sound mind; thinking clearly! Whenever I acted out, my reasoning and perspective were always horribly distorted every single time! I have never acted out with clear head, it has always occurred in the dark fog of insanity!

“But what about fears? Your poor self esteem?” my addict just now screamed! “What about your crippling mental and emotional pain? They will kill you!”

My response to my addict: “They will if I am unwilling to acknowledge, embrace and love them.”

The little exchange that just barely occurred reminds me of an expression in NA that goes, "...no addict seeking recovery need ever die from the horrors of addiction." It also reminds me of a quote by Pema Chodron that reads, “…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

I've realized that if I will allow myself to feel my mental and emotional pain and sit with it (and there is no doubt for me that at times, sobriety is conceived in severe pain), I never have to doubt whether I’ll be able to figure out where I’m stuck. If I can figure out where I am stuck, I can then ask God for His divine assistance to help me get unstuck. Once I’m unstuck, I can learn what to do or not do to avoid the same pitfall in the future.

In my opinion, the pain that comes with withdrawal is a small price to pay for the enabling grace and serenity that attends any sobering addict. God’s grace is real. This moment I choose to protect my sobriety.

If you are reading this post and you’re suffering from the horrors of addiction in this same moment: I want you to know that I believe in you. I love you, and am praying for your success. I don't have to know you personally to do so. All I need to know is that the Steps work, and that you are my brother or my sister and that the sincere prayers of one addict for another makes a difference and works miracles.

Join me right now. Fold your knees and surrender in prayer this cunning and merciless disease of addiction to God as you understand Him for the next 60 minutes. Your prayer doesn’t have to be long or fancy. It just needs to come from the heart. It can be as simple as asking God to reach out His hand to help you get unstuck. If you ask Him sincerely, like you would do with one of your best friends, I promise you in the name of Jesus Christ that He will answer that prayer in a way you can understand.

Like I said before, I believe in you. I love you, and am praying for your success. Please pray for mine. I need your strength to stay sober. This very moment, I choose to surrender my right to lust to the God of my understanding and ask I Him to help me stay sober for the next 60 minutes. Join me!

Your brother in recovery,

John D.