The Poison of Resentment

510 Days Clean and Sober.

Resentment!

What a powerful drug for me! What an incredibly lethal poison!

Resentment has a tenacity all its own. Given quarter in my mind to run rampant, it can be relentless! Addicts in the rooms of recovery may have heard the ditty that says, “Resentment is poison that you drink hoping someone else will die.” How true the truth can resonate with an addict that has nothing more than a desire to recover from their disease!

What fuels my resentment? Pride. Fear.

What fuels my pride? Enmity. I want what I want when I want it! It must be my will!  My way!

The distorted perception that I have to always be in control of the outcomes of my life and all of the people in it by any means necessary, is what fuels my pride. I HAVE to be in control of all people, places, and things in my life because, of course, I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

How desperate, and pitiful, and out of control I feel when my addict lies to me and seduces me to believe that I HAVE to be in control! He lies to me in his lust for power!

Does your ego’s whisper sound similar to mine?

 “You’re not powerless John! You’re not an addict! You’re in complete control! Everyone you know depends on you! You’re intelligent! You are powerful! You must exert your control on them; you MUST USE your power!

Don’t you realize that the sky would fall and everyone’s life would be ruined if you were not in charge? You HAVE to be in charge! The people around you don’t know what they’re doing! They’re peons! They will fail miserably without you. Then, they will label you a miserable failure because YOU WERE IN CHARGE AND YOU LET THEM DOWN!  

Don’t blame yourself, John; it’s not your fault you fail time after time. It is THEIR fault that you become paralyzed because you don’t know what to do or you don’t do what you know you should or do what they “needed” or “wanted” you to do. They’re so “needy” aren’t they?! Pitiful fools!

You realize don’t you that IT IS THEIR fault that you feel disgraced! You ARE soooo disgraceful! You couldn’t watch water boil if I wasn’t here to save you; to preserve you. What in the world would you do without me? You are a worthless failure! Absolutely nothing!

LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO YOU! HOW INCREDIBLY SELFISH AND OFFENSIVE! YOU SHOULD SHUN THEM! DISPISE THEM!!  HATE THEM!!!”

In my mind, that’s pretty convincing, screwed up, deceitful distortion of perception. But that is exactly how the seeds of resentment are planted in my mind.

I am an addict. I’m addicted to lust. It’s so important for me to remember that, for me, my lust addiction is a shape shifter. It will try to express (and preserve) itself any way it can. 

My addiction to lust doesn’t only manifest itself as an escape from reality through porn, masturbation or sex.  Although I may be sober according to SA standards, when I try to control others, lust morphs itself into a lust for power. When I want to escape pain or numb my feelings lust morphs itself into a lust for food. 

For me Lust = An insatiable appetite, cravings impossible to be satisfied, an unquenched thirst, unchallenged control. It is dictatorial! No choices!

So what are the antidotes I using to heal from the poisons of resentment?

I do what I can to cultivate humility, service, and gratitude in my life. I try to follow the some of the suggestions I’ve learned below:

1. I acknowledge my powerlessness over my resentment and insanity, and I admit that my life is unmanageable (especially regarding relationships with other people).
2. I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
3. I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, and His son, Jesus Christ as I understand them. I surrender, surrender, surrender.
4. I continue to admit my powerlessness, and continue to surrender, surrender, surrender.
5. I take a daily inventory, and when I am wrong promptly admit it.
6. I surrender my compulsion to control others.
7. I work to make amends and pray for the very best for the person/people, place(s), or thing(s) I am resenting.
8. I focus on my blessings instead of what I’ve been denied.
9. I try to give love without any expectation of reciprocation.
10. I try to consistently express gratitude to my Higher Power. I spend time with Him and talk to Him.
11. I try remembering that healing takes time, there are precious lessons to be learned during that “time,” and I try surrendering my impatience for patience in order to identify and learn from the lessons my Higher Power has for me.
12. I look for opportunities to serve others anonymously.

One more thing I try to do regularly. I try to listen to and feel the voice of my Father in Heaven. Believe it or not, when I quite myself, and am still. Sometimes I’m enabled to feel Him whisper…

“I love you John. You are a good boy. You, and your family, and your friends are safely in my care. If you choose to follow my direction, I will keep you safe. I will never force you to do anything against your will. I will always allow you the freedom to make your own choices and learn from your own experiences. Please come to me often. Talk to me often. Write to me often. Listen to me often. Do as I have done often.

Express your love generously with humility, dignity, and honor. Be selfless. Be forgiving.  

Give everyone who comes into your life the benefit of the doubt. They struggle with their own challenges just as you do. Be supportive. Serve, minister, love.

Express your gratitude freely with all. Be as generous with others as I am with you. Be an example, be merciful, and be believing.

Ever remember, ‘All things work together for good to them that love God…’ (Romans 8:28).  I have no doubts that you love me. Have no doubts, John, that I love you too.”

At this very moment does the Holy Ghost’s whisper in your heart feel similar to mine?

Go forward in faith. God is in charge!